We Fought the Law and We Won

Also entitled ´One of the Great Moments in the Lives of The Sons of Robert F. Townsend, and indeed in the History of the World and all of Mankind´ and´Mexican Police - 0 vs. The Sons of RFT - 1

Thoughts and all activities in and around the mind will be italicized for your convenience. The following event is a true story from the other day. To preserve the integrity of the site the story will be relayed verbatim with some cuts being made for laziness sake and to protect interested parties. This makes it a bit wordy and long and for that we apologize. Please feel free to take a break and get a soda. Thank you.

We are pulled over by a police officer in the lovely city of Torreon. We reluctantly follow him to a safe area where an 18 year old cop tells us we need to follow him to a safer area where he can provide us with a ticket for our grave infraction. He took our licenses so we were obliged to follow(it is customary in Mexico to have your license taken when you receive a ticket to ensure that you pay your fine to retrieve your id at a later date. It is a time consuming hassle).

We obviously pose a great threat so he calls for back up. The first cop seems to be a bit nervous so he lets his more experienced elder take the lead. This brave officer boldly approaches the vehicle to fine us. He informs us that the infraction we were guilty of was running over some bumps that we shouldn´t have. That is a bit odd, but I guess somewhat legitimate, maybe. "The amount of the fine will be $3000 pesos.", he informs us. That seems a bit steep. "That seems a bit steep." "Your reckless driving could have killed people." "We ran over some bumps, and there was no sign, and we are lost, and cars were in the way so we had no other choice, and other cars were doing the same thing, etc..." "You have to be more careful, you could have killed someone." "Yeah, you told us that, but we politely disagree.", I say. I am not paying $3000 pesos. "We are not paying $3000 pesos." "Well, you guys can pay the fine right here for a discount of $2000 pesos." That is odd. "Where are you boys headed?" "The Yucatan.", I answer. Head nodding and tskking, "That is a long way. It is a shame that you are going to have to come back here(35 hours away) in 7 days to pay your fine and retrieve your licenses for $3000 pesos. OR you can pay it right here for that $2000 peso discount." In the past Mexican cops have been known to ask for bribes or tell you that you can 'pay right now' using scare tactics. This has been a black eye for Mexico and officials frown on it a great deal. Luckily, we know this. "We have a long way to go, and we have to leave right now with our licenses.", I tell him. "No, you have to wait until tomorrow to pay your fine." (Admittedly, I suck at math. However, I am 67% sure that tomorrow is 1 day, and 7 days is 7 days, and 1 isn't 7. That isn't 100% though so we let the dance continue.)

He holds his pen to ticket pad the entire time, never writing anything. Knowing what is going on, we know that decisive action needs to be taken. I pick up my phone and randomly punch the screen. I think I ended up opening 'Solitaire'. "Pastor,(this part was done in English and talking to Mark and Adam who are in my van) this fool is trying to get a bribe so I am pretending to talk to a friend who is a pastor in town." "Officer, my pastor said that he knows the captain, and he will take care of this." "What is his name, and where does he live?", he asks nervously. "Uh, Jose Morales(an old pastor of mine in Juarez) and he lives in town." "Your getting a ticket, and I am taking your licenses.", walking away. I pick up the phone again and speak some English. The 23 year old veteran walks back up to the car. "The pastor used to be a cop, and he is on his way here. And what is your name?", I ask. Very defensively and angry, "Ramon.(no last name given) Why do you want to know?" "I'm not sure. My Pastor Cop wants to know." There is a wet spot appearing and growing in his pants. "I don't have time. I'm taking your licenses.", he cries. I whip the phone up again, this time not bothering to dial or even talk. I nod my head in disappointment and put the phone down(It appears that he thinks that this non-existant Superman Preaching Policeman doesn´t need words. He can read my mind through the phone. Idiot.). Lip quivering ever more rapidly, "What did he say?". "He said that he wants your full name and badge number." That is a lot of moisture that is welling up in his eyes. "Why? I didn't do anything. You are the one that broke the law!", he whines and pouts. His partner has his head buried in what seems to be urgent paperwork that I guess he got from his motorcycle fax machine. He remains there, never looking, through the rest of the process.

I pick up the phone again, move the red 9 to the black 10 and then the black 8 to the red nine. I think I am finally going to win this stupid Solitaire game. Oh yeah, the tiny shell of a boy standing at my window with his hand out is still here. "He says that he wants your badge number right now. I don't know why, but he seems pretty pissed off.", I tell him seeming to be confused. He looks like he sees a ghost. I look over my shoulder and see Mark angrily staring at him and nodding his head in disapproval. Adam is pretending to take notes with a fake pen and no paper. Ryan and Trent are on top of the next van dancing like they do(this is a lie, but we wish that they were in the van with us so we imagined them dancing. They were, however, keepin´it real as usual.).

We decide to let him off as I start to smell the feces in the pants of this flaming pile of beetle dung, "Jose said if you give us our licenses right now and scoot off down the road then he will forget about this whole thing." Relief on the face of a true coward and fool. Gruffly and trying to pretend that he is not standing there crying in his dirty underwear in front of these 'stupid gringos', "Okay, I am going to let you go this time, but be careful, you could have killed someone." Get out of here, you make Adam look like a human person(no offense Adam). "That is very kind of you.", I smirk on purpose.

We drive away feeling very accomplished. He comes racing back towards us. "Roll down your window.", he yells. "What!?!" "You guys took off the wrong way. You need to turn around and take the next right.", he informs us with a `please tell your RoboSuperMindReadingEvangelist that I was of help and did a good job` look on his dumb face. ¨Thank you, turd.", we wave and smile. The gelatinous mound of cat mess rides off on his little bike with his head down. We laughed for 200 miles.

Our only regret: Sadly, it was 15 minutes later that we decided that the prudent thing to do would have been to have told him that the Honorable Reverand Sergeant strongly suggested that he give a $3000 peso donation to the invisible church. Right now. He would have payed twice that. We debated going back to track him down. We did not. We have many, many miles to go.

Notes to current or future detectives or if tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber ever see this: If the ´perp´or one who causes the infraction uses his or her phone during an interrogation, they are not respecting you. Generally, when dialing, 15 numerals is too many. Conversely, when the same person calls the same number again and only dials 3 numbers there might be deception afoot. Lastly, and probably most importantly, if the phone that is being used says, "congratulations you have won.", in a robotic voice, this should raise a red flag as there is definitely a problem. Good luck.