We Win Again? How is that?

I know that I am more than blessed, and my lot in life is an excellent one. I have nothing real to complain about, especially when compared to the actual problems and situations that an unjust and gigantic percentage of the world has. So, I am in no way belittling others issues when I say that I have a pretty good string of bad luck when it comes to dealing with 'the man'. Airlines, phone companies, banks, etc... always get the best of me. Getting a second straight victory on the heels of the Torreon police incident(see post below) has been a shock and given rise to a great deal of bragging on my part. I apologize for this arrogance and the length of this blog after the wordy police saga, but I beg that you let me enjoy my special day. Also, if you notice some similarities between the two stories then you are very astute, and I applaud you. The reason for this is that the same formula was implemented that we used with the coppers. And this, too, is honestly true. But please know and sleep well tonight with the sweet assurance that just as the sun rises I will be knocked off my high horse, and 'the man' will pick up his string of victories and slapping me around right where he left off.

We are pretty down after losing 2/5ths of the 'Sons of Robert F. Townsend'. So the remaining 3 decide to all pitch in and get an actual hotel opposed to the 'motels?hostels?' that we have been staying in. To make matters worse we find ourselves walking Marcos to the checkout and sending him back to our Minnesota offices(his house). I am momentarily passing up some stories that the other 'Sons' have been around for and will pick back up post haste to regain a chronologically intact series. We miss you Ryan, Trent, and Marcos. Adam and I wave goodbye and ready ourselves to return to the room with our heads hanging low. Not so fast. There is, of course, a problem that we have to deal with at the front desk. Not surprised, we dig our heels in for another go.

It seems that our hotel was booked as us being women. This is not an uncommon mistake that people make about Adam or myself, but usually after they meet us. But this mistake occurred pre-introductions to the hotel staff. We were registered under my first name which is John, traditionally a name of the male persuasion. Apparently their is a $64 penalty for the gender that we chose. Normally I would pay it and ask that they forgive me for the mistake. But we were prepayed with a confirmation and a 'price guarantee' as well as paperwork that proved that I was John, I was indeed a male(I carry a birth certificate at all times for just this scenario), and that it wasn't indicated anywhere that we were female or that there was a price for not fitting that criteria. That coupled with losing our mates put us into a bad and somewhat defensive mood. The names of the internet travel agencies will be changed to protect their identity.

'Chumptickets'/'Orbutz' are sites that I use frequently when booking travel. I didn't know they were connected, but they are. So when I refer to one, I am referring to both. The hotel's paperwork that they showed me did say that I was of a different gender(it also instructed the hotel to not let me see the paper with the actual price that they payed. They are racking up.). Getting a discount for my being a women appeared to have prompted Orbutz to register me that way hoping that nobody would notice. The desk guy, whom we did make up with afterwards along with the 5 other involved hotel staff who were all extremely nice(really), had astutely caught the error. He informed us of this and professionally demanded that we make immediate payment. We refuse, and Adam and I fly into a bit of a fit. They quickly get Orbutz on the line and thrust me the phone. 4 phone calls later we get a hold of someone. As I talk on the phone Adam and I tag team in and out on complaining to the various agencies and all that are within the sound of our voices. Orbutz sends us to Chumptickets which is really themselves and send us back again. The confusion is meant to make us give up and pay the tiny fee, but not today. We enjoy this more than being in the pool. We apply a similar tactic that we used in Torreon. I get the desk guy's name while I am on hold. While he stands there looking I tell the elevator music that it is not Alberto's fault and there is no reason to be mad at him. Alberto doesn't like this. I call out his name a few more times, but he does a great job sticking to his guns. Alberto is experienced and isn't going to let us bully him. Darn. A worthy adversary. He really is a cool guy, and I appreciate him not falling for my ruse. I feel bad about this, but we were in panic mode. We rationalized that we didn't tell a fib, but there was intent to mislead and we don't condone this at all and are truly sorry for the offense. Proper apologies were made.

When I got off the phone with Orbutz I went for the manager. 3 words left my mouth, and she looked like she was going to cry so I took a nice approach with her. After chatting her up, I let her know that Orbutz was blaming the hotel(I had just told Orbutz that the hotel was blaming them. Actually, both parties were blaming me for being a man.) She didn't like this so back on the phone with Orbutz. I talked to security and asked if they would throw me out if I didn't pay. He asked me to pay, and it could be settled later. I told him that I wasn't paying and that he may need to contact the police to drag me out of the hotel. He looked at me like I was an idiot. I am used to this look. It became clear that Orbutz is the party at fault and our real enemy so our efforts should be directed to them. I get on with Orbutz again and start to get the generic greeting. I ask him if he can skip this scripted garbage and do something. In a very wordy dialogue(much like this one) he sort of tells me no. I tell him that the police are on the way, and I need a manager with the power to make a decision now.

What I first thought was a robot was indeed a manager for Orbutz/Chumptickets. She went through the whole Adam and I possessing the wrong chromosones spiel. Several times I stopped her to let her know I have already heard it. She finally says that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing they can do, and the conversation needs to end as this is an expensive international call(the hotel told me this too when they made the call for me. I logged in about 2 hours of international minutes which cost way more than $64.). I think I look a bit discouraged at this point. But our boy Alberto now thoroughly enjoying the unfolding scene gives us a look of mutual respect and unspoken encouragement to not back down. We have gone too far to quit, and his reassurance empowers us to risk imprisonment.

I tell the 'must go by the book' manager that I need to tell her one more thing before she hangs up. "Okay sir, but this issue is resolved." As calmly as I can I tell her, "I am glad that you are doing your job and feel that you have resolved the issue. It has been a pleasure. I just want you to know that I am calling the police right now, and I am going to tell them that there is a guest that shouldn't be here. These guys(I include Adam. He said he was cool with it later.) won't leave, and they need to be dragged out. I am taking my paid Orbutz price confirmation sheet with me and will be screaming your name the entire time. Before I call the police, I will be calling the local media to let them know that 2 Americans are being dragged out of a hotel that they payed for and being sent to jail because they aren't women." Alberto, the manager, and the rest of the desk staff are now ignoring the huge line of customers and loving life as I get excited about jail. I'm pretty sure there were some high fives. Manager lady replies, "I find it very unfortunate that you have decided to do that." "Thank you for your concern. I am sure that your bosses will find it very unfortunate that their paying customer was thrown in jail because you are a moron.", I say as nicely as possible. "I run a business/organization myself, and I am always opposed to having our participants thrown into jail. I just think that it is a good business model to go by for future reference. Thanks for your help, but I need to get some things packed up before my all expenses paid stay in the clink." Hotel staff going crazy now. "Could you please hold sir. I will try to get a manager."(I was just told that she was the highest manager on duty.) 5 minutes later she comes back, "I couldn't find an available manager(that wanted to deal with someone begging to go to jail over $64). I was thinking about your situation though.(You can think?) As a ONE time courtesy to you for being such a great customer we will give you a voucher for $64 for future Chumptickets travel if you will pay the remainder of your bill." "Nope. You pay it now.", I reply. Without any hesitation she says, "okay please put it on your credit card, and we will reimburse it within 2 weeks." "Nope. You are going to pay it now and be happy about it.", I inform her. Not one second passes, "Yes sir. Please put the front desk manager on the phone so I can pay her with our credit card. But this is a one time courtesy." "Whatever, I am going to get all of my money back, but I guess I will let you do that for me now."

Staff in awe as several others who had the same problem had to pay their own bill because Orbutz wouldn't step it up. I get the phone back and am told that all has been taken care of. "Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for using Chumptickets.", angrily and defeated. So Adam and I go around and make sincere apologies for all of the hassle as well as congratulations to everyone for their efforts. Although they began as our foes a good will relationship was forged in the fires of the conflict. We will probably tip them at least $64.

I did approach the manager one more time and told her that I thought that it would be appropriate for the hotel to order free massages for Adam and I as a good will gesture for our time spent in their lobby. She gives us an excellent and beautifully genuine 'are you kidding me' look after we had gotten what we wanted. She tells us that she will check on a fruit basket.

Hours later we see another couple that had our same problem with the same company. They are still dealing with it in the lobby. They tell me that Orbutz won't do anything, and they are going to have to fork out the cash. I tell them to just call the police and get arrested. They decided against this and seemed to avoid us for the rest of our stay.

Diarrhea Diaries

'Twas the night before the 2nd day of driving, when all through the hotel not a creature was stirring, except for the prostitutes in the lobby. The curtains were hung by fishing line with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas Trent Wilkes soon would be there. The Sons of Robert F. Townsend were nestled with the microscopic bacteria all snug in their beds, while visions of tortillas danced in their heads. And the manager in his blood and snot stained t-shirt, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long scary nap.

When in the next room there arose such a splatter, Mark sprang from the urine stained mattress to see what was the matter. Away to the spot where a door should be Marcos flew like a flash, tore open the spiderwebs and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen vomit, gave the lustre of old Burger Queen to objects below. When, what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a not so miniature Adam, and eight different puddles of various bodily fluids. With a little old heave, so lively and quick, Marcos knew in a moment that this dude must be sick. More rapid than eagles his courses they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;"Now! Diarrhea, now! Squirts, now! More Diarrhea, and uh oh even more turd! On! Vomit, on! Poopid, on! Chunder and Hiney Blister! To the top of the toilet! to the top of the wall! Now splash away! splash away! splash away all!" As dry heaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle they seem to spray to the sky. So out to the vans with the dysentary he flew, with underwear full of toys, and in his socks too. And then, in a twinkling, we heard in the room the prancing and pawing of even more toots. As we washed our hands, and were turning around, down to the floor St. Nicholas Trent Wilkes went with a bound. He was dressed all in dung, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with waste matter and stool. A bundle of evacuation he had flung on the floor both from the front and the back. And he looked like a regurgitator just opening his throat. His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how scary! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as orangey red as the emittion from below. Stumped over a bucket he held tight in his hands, and the aroma it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and an ever shrinking belly, that shook, when he retched like a bowlful of dirty guacamole. Trent and Adam, one chubby and plump, the other a bit smaller, but the upchuck indistinguishable. And Marcos, Ryno, and I laughed when we saw them, in spite of ourselves. A wink of their eyes and a twist of their heads, soon gave us to know we possibly had something to dread. They spoke not a word, but went straight to the porcelain thrones and filled all the toilets as they moaned; then they turned with a jerk, and laying their hands on their mouths it began spewing from the nose. And giving a nod, up the wall they barely rose. They slank in the vehicles, to the team gave a whistle. And away we all flew down the road like a missile. But I heard them exclaim, ere we drove out of sight,"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."(At this point Adam and Trent were haluscinating and delirious and thought it was Christmas.)

Top Photo: Trent and his good friend, Mr. Bucket. Trent spent a lot of time with his head in this container. Unfortunately, there were times when he missed the mark. This man has a stream of vomit that you wouldn't believe. He once cleared our backpacks that were in between the front 2 seats from his hurling position in the seat behind them. The only damage was the projectile splattering against the dash and onto Adam's leg.

Center: Adam doing the death march in the middle of the desert somewhere in Mexico. He actually hung onto a fence post, bottomless, to let things fly. We have a much better picture that captures the deed in a classy and artistic way. We will try to get that one posted soon.

Bottom: My delight watching Adam have his way with the desert floor.

We Fought the Law and We Won

Also entitled ´One of the Great Moments in the Lives of The Sons of Robert F. Townsend, and indeed in the History of the World and all of Mankind´ and´Mexican Police - 0 vs. The Sons of RFT - 1

Thoughts and all activities in and around the mind will be italicized for your convenience. The following event is a true story from the other day. To preserve the integrity of the site the story will be relayed verbatim with some cuts being made for laziness sake and to protect interested parties. This makes it a bit wordy and long and for that we apologize. Please feel free to take a break and get a soda. Thank you.

We are pulled over by a police officer in the lovely city of Torreon. We reluctantly follow him to a safe area where an 18 year old cop tells us we need to follow him to a safer area where he can provide us with a ticket for our grave infraction. He took our licenses so we were obliged to follow(it is customary in Mexico to have your license taken when you receive a ticket to ensure that you pay your fine to retrieve your id at a later date. It is a time consuming hassle).

We obviously pose a great threat so he calls for back up. The first cop seems to be a bit nervous so he lets his more experienced elder take the lead. This brave officer boldly approaches the vehicle to fine us. He informs us that the infraction we were guilty of was running over some bumps that we shouldn´t have. That is a bit odd, but I guess somewhat legitimate, maybe. "The amount of the fine will be $3000 pesos.", he informs us. That seems a bit steep. "That seems a bit steep." "Your reckless driving could have killed people." "We ran over some bumps, and there was no sign, and we are lost, and cars were in the way so we had no other choice, and other cars were doing the same thing, etc..." "You have to be more careful, you could have killed someone." "Yeah, you told us that, but we politely disagree.", I say. I am not paying $3000 pesos. "We are not paying $3000 pesos." "Well, you guys can pay the fine right here for a discount of $2000 pesos." That is odd. "Where are you boys headed?" "The Yucatan.", I answer. Head nodding and tskking, "That is a long way. It is a shame that you are going to have to come back here(35 hours away) in 7 days to pay your fine and retrieve your licenses for $3000 pesos. OR you can pay it right here for that $2000 peso discount." In the past Mexican cops have been known to ask for bribes or tell you that you can 'pay right now' using scare tactics. This has been a black eye for Mexico and officials frown on it a great deal. Luckily, we know this. "We have a long way to go, and we have to leave right now with our licenses.", I tell him. "No, you have to wait until tomorrow to pay your fine." (Admittedly, I suck at math. However, I am 67% sure that tomorrow is 1 day, and 7 days is 7 days, and 1 isn't 7. That isn't 100% though so we let the dance continue.)

He holds his pen to ticket pad the entire time, never writing anything. Knowing what is going on, we know that decisive action needs to be taken. I pick up my phone and randomly punch the screen. I think I ended up opening 'Solitaire'. "Pastor,(this part was done in English and talking to Mark and Adam who are in my van) this fool is trying to get a bribe so I am pretending to talk to a friend who is a pastor in town." "Officer, my pastor said that he knows the captain, and he will take care of this." "What is his name, and where does he live?", he asks nervously. "Uh, Jose Morales(an old pastor of mine in Juarez) and he lives in town." "Your getting a ticket, and I am taking your licenses.", walking away. I pick up the phone again and speak some English. The 23 year old veteran walks back up to the car. "The pastor used to be a cop, and he is on his way here. And what is your name?", I ask. Very defensively and angry, "Ramon.(no last name given) Why do you want to know?" "I'm not sure. My Pastor Cop wants to know." There is a wet spot appearing and growing in his pants. "I don't have time. I'm taking your licenses.", he cries. I whip the phone up again, this time not bothering to dial or even talk. I nod my head in disappointment and put the phone down(It appears that he thinks that this non-existant Superman Preaching Policeman doesn´t need words. He can read my mind through the phone. Idiot.). Lip quivering ever more rapidly, "What did he say?". "He said that he wants your full name and badge number." That is a lot of moisture that is welling up in his eyes. "Why? I didn't do anything. You are the one that broke the law!", he whines and pouts. His partner has his head buried in what seems to be urgent paperwork that I guess he got from his motorcycle fax machine. He remains there, never looking, through the rest of the process.

I pick up the phone again, move the red 9 to the black 10 and then the black 8 to the red nine. I think I am finally going to win this stupid Solitaire game. Oh yeah, the tiny shell of a boy standing at my window with his hand out is still here. "He says that he wants your badge number right now. I don't know why, but he seems pretty pissed off.", I tell him seeming to be confused. He looks like he sees a ghost. I look over my shoulder and see Mark angrily staring at him and nodding his head in disapproval. Adam is pretending to take notes with a fake pen and no paper. Ryan and Trent are on top of the next van dancing like they do(this is a lie, but we wish that they were in the van with us so we imagined them dancing. They were, however, keepin´it real as usual.).

We decide to let him off as I start to smell the feces in the pants of this flaming pile of beetle dung, "Jose said if you give us our licenses right now and scoot off down the road then he will forget about this whole thing." Relief on the face of a true coward and fool. Gruffly and trying to pretend that he is not standing there crying in his dirty underwear in front of these 'stupid gringos', "Okay, I am going to let you go this time, but be careful, you could have killed someone." Get out of here, you make Adam look like a human person(no offense Adam). "That is very kind of you.", I smirk on purpose.

We drive away feeling very accomplished. He comes racing back towards us. "Roll down your window.", he yells. "What!?!" "You guys took off the wrong way. You need to turn around and take the next right.", he informs us with a `please tell your RoboSuperMindReadingEvangelist that I was of help and did a good job` look on his dumb face. ¨Thank you, turd.", we wave and smile. The gelatinous mound of cat mess rides off on his little bike with his head down. We laughed for 200 miles.

Our only regret: Sadly, it was 15 minutes later that we decided that the prudent thing to do would have been to have told him that the Honorable Reverand Sergeant strongly suggested that he give a $3000 peso donation to the invisible church. Right now. He would have payed twice that. We debated going back to track him down. We did not. We have many, many miles to go.

Notes to current or future detectives or if tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber ever see this: If the ´perp´or one who causes the infraction uses his or her phone during an interrogation, they are not respecting you. Generally, when dialing, 15 numerals is too many. Conversely, when the same person calls the same number again and only dials 3 numbers there might be deception afoot. Lastly, and probably most importantly, if the phone that is being used says, "congratulations you have won.", in a robotic voice, this should raise a red flag as there is definitely a problem. Good luck.

Bad Ideas

We felt that Ryan should take a share of the driving to make things fair. We thought that driving with his cane was an excellent idea. It was not. We now all agree that front bumpers are unnecessary luxuries on all automobiles. Without it we are more aerodynamic and light therefore saving gas. This has made us very green, and we are proud. (We will be suing the maker of the cane when we return to the States).

I have a sneaky suspicion that this is only the first installment of many "Bad Idea" posts. Your prayers are appreciated.

Thoughts from the Road:

Mexico is big.

Please Forgive the Interruption

Well over 50 hours of driving thus far. Over 15 hours of unexpected delays. 10 states. Lots of small towns. Lots of desert. Lots of mountains. Lots of tolls. Lots of gas(not just gasoline). We haven´t had internet access for a while, but we will from now on and will post more often. Also, we have officially changed our name to ´The Sons of Robert F. Townsend´.

Dear Minnesota Department of Transportation,

First, let me thank you for your service to your state. And although in the sporting world 16 out of 17 is phenomenal. A gambling man would also love these odds, and in fact in just about every facet of our existence these would be great numbers. However, it appears in your work that 16 out of 17 is a grievous error. I guess that the VIN on a vehicle title has to be 17 out of 17! Absurd, I know, but Mexican Customs frowns on this sort of thing. It is unfortunate that we had to learn this 30 miles into their fine country. We have enjoyed reentering our great nation(and did so singing the national anthem in the 2 hour border line and while fixing and readjusting vehicles all day), but this has put our status at a bit tarde in our travels. I hope that this helps you in your future work.

Keep on Trucking and in Love,
The 5 Members of 2ManCoup

The forthcoming marriage of Trent

Now that we are on the road and Trent has limited access to a computer to check the blog I must make a confession. We will be looking for a wife for Trent as a tertiary objective(I would like to thank Coy Buckley for this word. He is a linguistic master and a delight although at times vexatious, afflictive, arduous, grievous, laborious, and inflamating. I don't know what our first two objectives are, but I have been dying to use 'tertiary'). Trent, although quite the ladies man, is currently unattached. I fear that if allowed to find his own mate, he will choose someone well-suited for him and live a happy life with this person. This would be great for him, but boring for those of us that would like to see him live a disastrous yet comical life with a wo(man) of our choosing. While Trent sleeps each night we will work around the clock in each town producing a backwards version of the popular television show, 'The Bachelor'. I trust that with his always improving yet limited Spanish we can get Trent legally married to a horrible woman without him having knowledge of what is going on. Please don't judge us. This is for entertainment purposes only(except for Trent, it probably won't be entertaining for him at all, God bless him).

The 3 Newbies

(Mark, Trent, and Ryan live in Minnesota, Birmingham, and Washington DC so I am currently without any appropriate photos of these 3. I will get some when we fellowship in Juarez on Friday. In the meantime I will give the people what they want. Which of course is a lovely dose of Zachalicious images. Ladies(and gentlemen) enjoy.)

First, we have Mark(or Marcos). He will be our mechanic and my co-trash talker. Mark also has an unbelievable talent that he has honed to perfection, and we will use it extensively. He can throw cookies at anything, in any situation(his specialty is ceiling fans). Mark will whip cookies out of our windows at passing motorists and pedestrians throughout our travels. Mark's interests include writing on post-it notes, chewing on dirty shoe laces, and rapidly opening and closing window blinds. We are very worried about Mark.

Next we have Trent. He will serve primarily as our doctor. We feel that he has enough med school under his belt to perform any surgery on Adam at any time. Trent will also serve as our voice of reason. He is wonderful at this in situations that we shouldn't be in. Sadly, we have never listened to Trent. And it is very unfortunate that I see no reason for this trend to change. Oh yeah, Trent once jumped off a boat onto a great white shark and rode it to Australia where he thanked it and then ate it alive. Hopefully this will come in handy.

Then there is Ryan. He is a late addition to our ship of fools, but a welcomed one. Ryan is the only one that is liked and tolerable to be around. The rest of us are jerks and ferocious enemies. The last and most important role that we had left was navigator, so we gave this to Ryan. We believe that Ryan, although blind, will get us exactly where we need to be. Ryan likes long walks on the beach and animal cruelty.

5 Man Coup!?! The original 2 times 2 plus 1 (I think)

I, of course, will be lead champion of excellence and supervisor of the less than desirable crew. I will also be the resident black belt in all things martial arts(awarded by the Zach Brining academy of martial arts).

Adam will resume his role as buffoon. He has, however, been given more responsibilities and been promoted to food expert and the official headbutter of all things I find hilarious for him to smash his head into. (In case of danger he will be used to push into the path of harm. He is unaware of this so please don't tell him. Adam, if you are reading this then I am just kidding.(I'm really not)).

More to come on the 3 new travellers. We are back to take a 2500 mile voyage in 3 Hands and Feet vans filled with tools through the entire length of Mexico. Mexico has gotten a bad rap lately so we are setting out to show what a great place it is, and exhibit some awesomeness along the way.

Photo at top: Adam and I on a raccoon hunt. Middle: Me posing for some modeling companies and magazines and what not. Bottom: Adam in his natural state.

On the road again!

You have been randomly and/or exclusively selected to join us on our 2500 mile trek through Mexico via this blogspot, 2ManCoup. Although the 2 week journey doesn't begin until March 13 of 2009, we will begin preparations and take you through our goings on daily or bi-every other daily(?). This new journey promises to be the best yet. We guarantee 37% more Adam abuse!, some of the most mind boggling karate ever recorded, possible home invasions, extensive vehicle problems, worse grammar and the most excessive and unnecassary use of commas and parentheses you have ever seen, and most importantly, aside from the Adam abuse, 3 new adventurers will be introduced. I will do so briefly here, but promise to give a more extensive and colorful profile in the days and weeks to come.

We have 'Mark the Shark' or 'Marcos' who is unmerciful in all things requiring mercy. He will surprise you with the depths that he will sink to. An excellent addition.

Then there is 'Trent who refuses to pay rent' or 'Trent'. His compassion is his downfall and a liability, but his wrangling of ferocious animals including crocodiles, water buffalo, Pepe, and mean to semi-mean dogs and cats is something that we all look forward to seeing.

Last but certainly not least is 'Ryan who would rather be flyin' or 'El conquistador de amor' or 'Ryan'. He is a gold medal marksman(Barcelona games of 96') and a very successful tax evader, thus the many aliases. I have also seen him rip a phone book in half. Look forward to seeing him in the 'World's Strongest Man Competition 2011' to be aired on ESPN Espanol 7 in March of 2013 weekends at 1 am.