Tip #37: Don't Spit Your Drink On A Mean Snake(They seem to not like it)

This boa constrictor is over 10 feet long. Story: We are playing pool, and our waiter comes over and asks us if we would like to see a huge snake. How could we refuse that? Our friends Alex and Kevin were with us(many stories to come on shinanigans with these two) and we went to view the snake. It was in the parking lot doing what snakes do. Eventually everyone left except for Alex, the snake, and I. The snake was surprisingly calm. So as Alex and I watched this amazing creature something came over him, and he did what any of us would do in this situation. He spit his drink on the snake. I have never heard such a loud prolonged hiss. The snake was suddenly pissed off, and we screached with joy. The restaurant now had a 10+ foot problem on their hands, and we had the rest of our nights entertainment set, free of charge. For the next couple of hours we got to watch them try to capture this reptile. They called an environmental agency that didn't like us taking pictures of the snake(they probably wouldn't like us spitting on the snake either, but oh well). They couldn't get the snake to cooperate so they took a break. I tried to pay Adam to tell them that he worked for a zoo in the States and that his expertise was snake capture with an emphasis on 10ft boa constrictors from Costa Rica at night. Sadly, Adam would not comply. Unfortunately, they got him in a bag without anyone getting eaten, and our night ended.

We Shall Press On

Thank you for all of your nice e-mails, and I have called the authorities on the ones that are threatening. We will continue posting on this site. I am waiting on some photos and that is why there has been a pause in the production. There are some really good ones on the way. However, I will start showing Adam the respect that he deserves(which is none).

Cleaning a Gargantuan 101

Many of you have written in to ask how one begins to bathe a formidable man-beast like Adam when no car wash is available. It is on that subject that I will attempt to satisfy your curiosities at this time. The truth is that it is not an easy task. Your standard bathroom/shower area is insufficient as a staging ground for the aforementioned cleansing as Adam is a creature that boasts a tremendous girth. It is due to this fact that his baths are infrequent and his odor is stunningly awesome. The only suitable alternative is a large body of water that is free from children, the elderly, and those with sensitive stomachs. So our latest adventure was to the beautiful Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. This place was amazing and all of these photos are, of course, pre-bath(the post-bath photos have been seized by the Guatemalan government to be used in numerous upcoming civil and federal trials). This lake is surrounded by many Mayan indian villages that contain 14 different dialects making verbal communication difficult. As you ride around the lake you can see indian women in the water washing clothes and then $10 million homes on the side of the hills. The lake is surrounded by mountains and volcanos. This is probably one of the coolest places that we have been. If you ever visit, you may not want to mention the 'Fat White Man Catastrophe of 06' as it is sure to be a sensitive issue for years to come.

Big Trouble in Little 'Oaxaca?'

There is civil unrest in Oaxaca and the staging ground for the protests is the center of town called the Zocalo. Adam and I happened to be staying close to there so we went for a late dinner. We were eating outside and gunshots were fired. We were made to go inside for a while, and they barracaded the doors and windows. When we left, we stupidly took some James Bond like pictures and decided to look around because we heard they were barracading the town square. Sure enough there were guys in masks putting up walls of scrap metal. We thought we could slowly walk up and watch for a few minutes and then leave. Some gentlemen walked up to us and wanted to know why we were there. So we were questioned by men with bats and metal poles for 45 minutes. I was super nice and told them that the only reason we were there was to fight their cause with them. I then went into a lovely dialogue(i think) on the wrongs of the government and how it is great that the people are standing up, and we are here to support the democratic process. It was pretty good for a guy wetting his pants. After making friends we walked off with the leader making promises to meet him the next day for another rally. We took the first bus out of town the next morning.

Adam Found Another Burger King

Enough said.

World´s Largest Tree

This tree is in El Tule and is between 2 & 3 thousand years old. Its claim to fame is that it is the biggest single biomass in the world. Correction: It WAS the biggest single biomass in the world!

Signs

In this first one they are actually prohibiting you from urinating or defecating in the street. If you do then you get fined 200 quetzales which is about $25US. I gladly paid it. I can understand that one, but the second one I still don´t get.
What??? So I am in danger if I don´t swim? What if I don´t know how? Not to mention it is a pretty treacherous looking waterfall. Thankfully, I had Adam test this one out. They were wrong. The doctors are hoping that Adam will be able to eat solid foods again one day.

So We Climbed An Active Volcano...

in Antigua, an hour west of Guatemala City. The hike was a bit long, but it was worth it. Lava is a fascinating thing, and I learned a few things along the way. 1st - Lava is Hot 2nd - Do Not stand close to lava for a long time. It is hot. 3rd - Adam is an idiot(I already kind of knew that one). I thought it would be cool to get a picture next to flowing lava so I have ´the boy´position himself with the camera so I can quickly run up next to the lava, get the photo, and then retreat. I run up to the lava and ´the boy´works on focusing the camera and what not. In the meantime my ear feels like it is going to burn off(I don´t know why lava likes to go after the ears) so in the photo you can see me turning away when the boy finally gets the shot off. My ear is still burning days later. In retaliation I let ´the boy´ sit there a while for his photo. You can see him reaching for his ear in pain here. In the last photo I am saving the village below by using super human wind to turn the lava to rock. They had a huge parade for me. Ironically, I blew the whole town down with that same super human wind after the parade. The survivors asked me why. I think the better question is why not.

Endangeredly Delicious

Our sister Erin has always had a tremendous love for manatees. You could almost call it an obsession. I never really understood it, but after diving with them they kind of intrigued us. We decided to give them a try and see if we loved them as well. It turns out that we do. They are delicious. They are so big and cute and taste like an endangered chicken. (No manatees were harmed during this experiment. Well, except for the ones that we ate. They died from being eaten. Sorry Erin.)

Caye Caulker

Just some photos from our time in Caye Caulker, Belize(or ´golf cart island´ as I like to call it). We had fun, but it was expensive. I will include some pretty awesome shots of me directing the golf cart through foreign soil, claiming every square inch of land that I cross. Those poor unsuspecting people never knew what hit them. (Except for the incidents where I hit people with the golf cart. Most of those times they did see me hit them.) I will also enclose a gratuitous shot of yours truly in one of my patented poses for all of the ladies. You are probably wondering what that gargantuan is in the water in the last picture. It is not a manatee that has wandered into shallow waters, but you are close. It is Adam before he was arrested by the island police for having his shirt off.

'BELIZE' IT OR NOT

Get it. I made a play on the word 'believe', but I said 'Belize' because that is where we are. I really don't have much to post. I just thought of that a couple of weeks ago and thought that it was really funny and clever so I have been waiting to use it. We had to use an underwater camera today so I am unable to post the photos at this time. We got to snorkel with and touch sharks and sting rays. We saw but couldn't touch manatees, eels, and barracuda. We paid this guy to take us out on his boat, and he was able to find all of these things for us. We had a blast, but Adam did not get eaten by a shark. Sorry everybody. I replaced his soap with butter hoping that the sharks would like the butter smell, but my flaw was assuming that Adam would actually shower. Adam later ate the butter and asked where I got the wonderful soap.